Life As We Know It (by mommy)

Life as we know it is about to drastically change. (Heavy sigh.)

I'll try to compose myself as I write this. But that really doesn't mean much to those of you reading these typed words....Over here in D.C., though, the tears have been fallin'. Tomorrow, my glorious 4.5 months of maternity leave are over. O-V-E-R. Which, of course, means I have to set my alarm, wake up, take the bus, and drop my child off in the arms of someone else. While we have been incredibly fortunate to have received a spot in the daycare that my company offers - yes, it's IN my building - that only makes it a little bit easier. We were looking into nanny shares, but the thought of not seeing my babe for 9 hours a day was too much to handle. When we learned about the spot opening up at the daycare, it was a no brainer. I get to commute with her and use my lunch hour to go downstairs and feed her.

(Sob.)

We've spent the last few months side by side, day and night - and even more if you consider in utero. During the day, we laugh and play, listen to music, read books, and go for walks. And cuddle. LOTS of cuddling. I get to see her smiling face whenever I want to and have watched all of her "firsts" in action. She is my joy, my love, my life.

Tomorrow, I have to start sharing her joy with other people and trust that they will take good care of my little angel. And I do trust them - the women at the daycare are wonderful. But they are the ones who get to hold my baby during the day, feed her, change her, see her smile, hear her laugh. They might even see her sit up for the first time, crawl, or walk. And not me.

But this is how it is. This is the life we have chosen and that means I have to go back to work. The guilt and heartbreak are going to be a part of life for now, but I know we will both adjust. Eventually. And while I know I'm being slightly irrational, I also know that grief can make you think that the world is ending and you can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. But it's there. And this is just another step in the journey of raising her to become the person she's come here to be. I'm just going to take it day by day, and hopefully each day it will get a little bit easier.